Anyone who is unable to forgive and let go cannot ever move on or positively grow as a person. Blaming others only feeds your insecurities and fills your personal cauldron with negative energy until there is nothing good left in you. This type of energy will consume your entire being and you will no longer be the person anyone remembers …. Below is a portion of the website listed as I thought this needed to be heard.
“Letting Go of Blaming©1999-2007 James J. Messina, Ph.D. & Constance Messina, Ph.D. http://www.coping.org/relations/forgive.htmIt is easy to point the finger of blame at others for the pain you have suffered. This activity is intended to get you to point the finger of responsibility at yourself, to be better able to forgive and forget when you feel hurt by another’s behavior. Answer the following questions in your journal: (1) List an incident for which you are unable to forgive a person(s), and therefore are unable to forget.(2) How much energy, creativity, problem solving capability, and focus on growth is sapped from you whenever you recall this hurt?
(3) What feelings come to your mind and body as you recall this hurt?
(4) How would you describe your role in this event? In what ways were you the victim, perpetrator, enabler, martyr, bystander, instigator, target, scapegoat, distracter, peacemaker, people pleaser, or rescuer?
(5) Why do you feel strongly over what happened and how you were treated?
(6) What did this event or happening do to your self-esteem? (7) How dependent on others were you (or are you) to help you feel good about yourself? How positively self-affirming were or are you? Why do you need this person’s affirmation to make you feel good about yourself? What beliefs about yourself were threatened by what happened to you? Reinforced?(8) How willing are you to declare yourself independent of the need for others to reinforce you and make you feel good about yourself? What blocks you from declaring this independence? What fears do you have of letting go of the need for others to make you feel good about yourself? How does this relate to your inability to forgive or forget in the incident listed in Step 2(1)?(9) What value is there in blaming the person(s) listed in Step 2(1) for the hurt and pain experienced? How responsible are you for the feelings of hurt and pain? How do these feelings relate to your dependence on others to make you feel good about yourself? How do you control your feelings of pain and hurt? What would change in your feelings about this past incident if you accepted the responsibility for your own feelings and perceptions? How do your irrational beliefs interfere in your ability to resist blaming others for pain and hurt you experience?
(10) Look back at the past incident and the person(s) involved; reframe your thinking and feelings about it: Who was responsible for my reaction to the incident? Who was responsible for my feelings about the incident? Who was responsible for my inability to forgive the person(s) involved?
Who is responsible for my inability to forget this incident?
How can I forgive the person(s) involved?
How can I put this incident behind me?
How can I forgive myself for being dependent on others for feelings of being worthwhile and good?
How can I avoid being so hurt when something like this happens again?
What do I gain by blaming others for my feelings?
What can I do when I feel hurt and pain? Where does the finger of responsibility need to be pointed?
Step 3: Once you have learned how to let go of blaming in that one incident, repeat Step 2 addressing all the past or present incidents of hurt in which you need to forgive the people and forget the incidents. (See Step 1j.)
Step 4: When you have exhausted your list of people you need to forgive and events you need to forget, you will be on the road to forgiving and forgetting in relationships. If you have problems in the future, return to Step 1 and begin again.
Lack of forgiving and forgetting in a relationship can result in: Irreconcilable differences between people - Indifference toward one another - An emotional vacuum in which little or no emotions are shown or shared.
Chronic attacks or angry outburstsAddressing or interacting with one another disrespectfullyOne-upmanship: competition as to who can out do whom in terms of eliciting sympathy, compassion, or understanding from outsiders
Seeking revenge from one another
Pitting the parties in the relationship against one another through coalitions and taking sides
Chronic recalling and reminding of past hurts and offenses
Suspicions about the others’ motives, behavior, attitudes, beliefs
Chronic depression
Chronic hostility
Name calling, belittling and demeaning one another
Responding to present behavior as if they were past behavior
Unwillingness to change and/or unwillingness to seek the help necessary to change
Negative consequences of the absences of forgiving and forgetting:
In the absence of forgiving and forgetting, the partners in a relationship run the risk of: Continuously being hurt with pain and suffering going unresolved. Unresolved guilt and remorse for offenses committed. Chronically seeking revenge and paybacks from one another.Being caught up in unresolved anger, animosity, and bitterness.Defensive, self-protective, and distant behavior.
Blaming, negative and non-growth oriented behavior.
Being stuck in a battlefield stockpiled for future offensive attacks.
Being lost in a festering wound that never realizes the revitalization of healing.
Secretive and non-communicative behavior.
Fear over making a mistake or of having the mistake revealed.
Being overwhelmed by fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of non-approval, low self-esteem, fear of conflict.
High stress.“
